With a tear in my eye, I put our little girl to bed for the last time tonight, as a baby. For tomorrow, she will have officially entered toddlerhood. I have been reminiscing all day about what the last year has brought my husband and I as new parents. It has been a whirlwind of emotions, some good and some bad.
You may be asking yourself, some bad emotions? What does that mean? It means that some emotions we experienced were from things we never thought we would encounter. These emotions may have been from things we said or felt out of being purely exhausted, or from people who betrayed us.
It is not only Penelope’s 1st birthday, but it is a celebration of my husband and I making it through our first year as parents. I can’t say it enough. Watching my husband with our daughter makes my heart melt every single time. The way she lights up when she sees him coming down the stairs, or when we go upstairs and she taps him on the shoulder to wake up. Sometimes it feels like a dream.
I’ll never forget how scared I was to be left home alone with newborn Penelope when it was time for my husband to go back to work. Thinking back, I think I was scared because I was lonely. I cried on that first night he was home from work. Saying my day was so hard, because I was still figuring it out and I honestly just missed him. But I think the more scary part was the solo nights when he was in the guest room so he could get some good sleep, and I had to find a new routine for Penelope and I.
I have never experienced anything as consuming as motherhood. When I gave birth, I had no idea I was leaving my old life behind and stepping into a completely new one. Getting to know a whole new person; that being myself and Penelope. I definitely underestimated what I was going to have to go through mentally. But I have become stronger because of it, and I have different expectations for baby #2.
I try to exercise every day. It helps my mental health and makes me feel good. It was exactly a week after I gave birth that I was back on the peloton doing a walk, but it wasn’t anything strenuous. But I needed it so bad. To say I tried to jump back into my old life is an understatement. I put so much pressure on myself to be the old me, and that wasn’t who I was anymore. I left her at the hospital.
Through giving birth, navigating breastfeeding, the long nights, and finding myself in this new skin. My husband was always there. He never failed to hold me while I was crying because I was scared I wasn’t enough as a mother, pull me up when I was feeling defeated with breastfeeding, and tell me I am doing a great job when it feels like I am failing.
You never understand the saying, “you’ll do anything for your child” until you have one. You stop putting up with the bullshit you dealt with before having a baby, weed out the people who only care when you pay attention to them, and become closer with the people who show up for you and your family.
Becoming a parent isn’t for the faint of heart. It will break you down and challenge you in ways you never thought possible. It will absolutely challenge your relationship with your spouse. If it’s strong enough, it will make it out on the other side. But even if it doesn’t, you yourself will make it out and you will be strong than you were before.
