With a tear in my eye, I put our little girl to bed for the last time tonight, as a baby. For tomorrow, she will have officially entered toddlerhood. I have been reminiscing all day about what the last year has brought my husband and I as new parents. It has been a whirlwind of emotions, some good and some bad.

You may be asking yourself, some bad emotions? What does that mean? It means that some emotions we experienced were from things we never thought we would encounter. These emotions may have been from things we said or felt out of being purely exhausted, or from people who betrayed us.

It is not only Penelope’s 1st birthday, but it is a celebration of my husband and I making it through our first year as parents. I can’t say it enough. Watching my husband with our daughter makes my heart melt every single time. The way she lights up when she sees him coming down the stairs, or when we go upstairs and she taps him on the shoulder to wake up. Sometimes it feels like a dream.

I’ll never forget how scared I was to be left home alone with newborn Penelope when it was time for my husband to go back to work. Thinking back, I think I was scared because I was lonely. I cried on that first night he was home from work. Saying my day was so hard, because I was still figuring it out and I honestly just missed him. But I think the more scary part was the solo nights when he was in the guest room so he could get some good sleep, and I had to find a new routine for Penelope and I.

I have never experienced anything as consuming as motherhood. When I gave birth, I had no idea I was leaving my old life behind and stepping into a completely new one. Getting to know a whole new person; that being myself and Penelope. I definitely underestimated what I was going to have to go through mentally. But I have become stronger because of it, and I have different expectations for baby #2.

I try to exercise every day. It helps my mental health and makes me feel good. It was exactly a week after I gave birth that I was back on the peloton doing a walk, but it wasn’t anything strenuous. But I needed it so bad. To say I tried to jump back into my old life is an understatement. I put so much pressure on myself to be the old me, and that wasn’t who I was anymore. I left her at the hospital.

Through giving birth, navigating breastfeeding, the long nights, and finding myself in this new skin. My husband was always there. He never failed to hold me while I was crying because I was scared I wasn’t enough as a mother, pull me up when I was feeling defeated with breastfeeding, and tell me I am doing a great job when it feels like I am failing.

You never understand the saying, “you’ll do anything for your child” until you have one. You stop putting up with the bullshit you dealt with before having a baby, weed out the people who only care when you pay attention to them, and become closer with the people who show up for you and your family.

Becoming a parent isn’t for the faint of heart. It will break you down and challenge you in ways you never thought possible. It will absolutely challenge your relationship with your spouse. If it’s strong enough, it will make it out on the other side. But even if it doesn’t, you yourself will make it out and you will be strong than you were before.

Growing up, we all have friends. Most of them are for a season. We hang out for a while then slowly find ourselves drifting apart and never really speak again. Sometimes they cross our minds, and we hope they’re doing well.

We are still friends with them on social media, and we see their triumphs from afar. Sometimes, we see their heartache if they chose to post about it. But we never speak to them. Because it would be weird if we messaged them and just checked in, right? But we used to be friends, best friends even. So checking in with an old friend shouldn’t be weird.

Friends are important in life. It means that someone sees you and they think you are pretty cool. They were there when you struggled through a break up, or an argument, or just a plain ole bad day.  Sometimes they even saw you through a horrible event in your life, and stuck around. But they were also there on your best days. Those friends are the ones worth keeping.

A true friend is the kind that you can tell the gods honest truth to and they won’t shut you out. They may argue with you or disagree but they won’t shut you out for showing true concern and being honest about it. They’ll hear what you have to say and they may not agree with you, but they’ll think about it or take it with a grain of salt. It can be hard to hear something you don’t like, but that doesn’t mean that person is against you. They are just looking out for you.

Recently, I have tried to be as a honest as possible with those that I care for. Some have taken what I had to say to heart and others have walked me through how they are going to deal with the difficult times when they come. Because you see, if you can’t be honest and raw with the ones that you care about. What else is there? Some people take honesty hard. Others appreciate it and love you for it.

My very best friend in whole world is going through a major life change. When she was deciding to make the change, I expressed my concerns and everything that came with it. I am a very plan oriented person so when she said she was thinking about making this change so soon, I was thrown. I was worried for her and all of the things that came with this change. But she confidentially said she could do it. So I hesitantly said I will be behind her every step if she decides to go through with it.

It’s not my life, but she deserves the best and it is okay to show concern or worry. Especially because I care so deeply and she is literally the sister I never had (no hard feelings mom). It is okay to take a step back and reflect. If they need your help to problem solve, be that for them. But do not ever be afraid to be honest with them. Unless it is to say “I told you so”. Do not ever say that!

Sometimes honesty is the best thing in times of hardship. The friends that understand, will stay and not hold it against you.

I listen to a lot of podcasts. One of my favorites is called “The Mom Room”. The host talks about motherhood, everyday life, and the like. But recently I have been hearing a lot about the division of labor and how the man gets to leave the house every day to go sit at a desk job for 8 hours a day. This really got me thinking. I used to work at desk for 10 hours a day, and that was mentally draining. Never mind what my husband has to deal with on a daily basis.

I am a Law Enforcement wife. My husband goes to work every day, talks to people who are less than thrilled to see him most of the time (on the streets of course, his coworkers love him), gets held over some nights, doesn’t get to see his daughter some days because he has to leave early for work. To top it all off, he is constantly walking on pins and needles because the things surrounding Law Enforcement nowadays is BONKERS.

But he does it all, so we can have the best life possible. With that, the host of this podcast goes on to talk about the division of labor within the household. Ever since my husband and I started living together, I have always been the one to handle majority of the household tasks. While he handles the tasks outside. Because if I am being honest, I very much dislike being out in the yard unless I’m relaxing.

I also am a very particular person and my husband can attest to this. When we met, I basically took his laundry from him and told him how to fold it. Ever since, the laundry has been my responsibility. Quite honestly, I prefer it this way because I know what gets folded how and where everything goes. But would it be nice if he did it every once in a while, of course.

While I handle majority of the household tasks, would it be nice to have a break from vacuuming every once in a while, or putting the dishes away? Yes it would. But the way I see it, being a stay at home mom is a job. It is my job to see to it that the house is in order and that the boxes are checked at the end of the day for the home (minus the man tasks I am completely clueless about). My job, as it stands as a stay at home, makes me feel good and fulfilled.

I guess what I am trying to convey is that succumbing to the gender norms, is completely fine. If that is what makes you happy and you feel fulfilled in doing the womanly tasks for the home, while your husband goes out and earns the money. Good for you! I take pride in having a clean home, being able to provide for my husband in such a way as making him a warm meal after his shift or making sure he has clean clothes.

Of course, you are a team when you are married. However, some think of that term differently. Meaning, I think of it as my job is within the home and taking care of the baby when he is at work. My husband goes out of the home and earns a living for his family, and when he is home. He handles his outside tasks and we take on our daughter as a team.

Some times I get in my head after listening to these kinds of episodes. Then I come back to reality to realize I am completely happy with the way things are in my world. Do I wish my husband and I were millionaires so he never had to go to work again a day in his life? Absolutely. That is not even a question. But is a woman’s work in the home just as valuable as a man’s work outside of the home? Yes.

If you would like to discuss the invisible load of motherhood? That is a completely different topic for another post. Look out for it in the future!

Now for those that are lucky enough to work a 9 to 5 at a desk in an office somewhere. Like the people in the movies. And still be able to afford a comfortable lifestyle. Where do you find a job like that? Asking for my husband.